[ SCENE: Looks like Beef Bowl the cow and Banjo the cow are making friends again! Aww. The camera gets a lovely and prolonged view of the ... bonding ... but you're probably going to want to pay more attention to the voices in the background. It won't be hard, they're very loud; they've abandoned the communicator to... uh... ]

MORE DRUGS, OR JUST TIE HIM DOWN?

I'M NOT AN EXPERT BUT WE SHOULD PROBABLY JUST TIE HIM UP WHILE HE'S STILL BREATHING.

YA KNOW, I'VE NEVER DONE THIS LIKE THIS BEFORE.

IT CAN BE DONE STANDING, BUT IT'S SAFER LYING DOWN. TRUST ME, I'VE DONE THIS ENOUGH TO KNOW.

( IT GETS WORSE. )

[ooc: Denmark=red, America=blue.]

Oh hey, lots of new people! Welcome to the city, alternate world, yadda yadda yadda I AM MAKING A MOVIE.

Let me know if the following people are amongst you:

+ Clint Eastwood
+ Audrey Hepburn
+ Henry Fonda
+ Dustin Hoffman
+ Sidney Poitier
+ Beowulf

WHY DID I DRINK ALL OF THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!

[The voice function clicks on. For the longest time, there's only silence. Finally America's voice breaks through. His voice is firm, but not without a small hint of desperation to it.]

I'm a good guy. I'm a good country. I'm a good person. I'm good, I'm the hero, remember? A real hero. I'm the greatest country in the world, no matter what happens or what kinds of people there are in the world. I'm a good person...

[He sounds like he's more trying to reassure himself than anyone listening. Another long pause, and some shuffling. Suddenly he chuckles darkly.]

It's like I'm living in Hitchcock's mind. He'd even have his own portable camera!

[The chuckling dies down. Best way to cope with the fact that you just went serial killer? Ignore it. SUBJECT CHANGE IS GO.]

With these cameras, why aren't there more movies around? Seriously! Is there any way you can edit the video on these things? I mean, there's gotta--

[He falters; can't forget the freakiest fucking video that went off as soon as he regained his senses. But he'll deal with inner conflict later. MOVING ON. America's voice is much cheerier. As he continues talking, it's less forced happiness and more genuine excitement.]

--be some kind of way to mess around with it! Oh, oh, I can make a movie even if there isn't. It'll be artistic, or something, if I can't find a way to edit it. That's just what everyone around here needs to cheer them up! A good old fashioned American movie-fest!

Okay, so, what should I make it about? I know someone said something about starring me, and that's not a bad idea, but with Russia gone that whole story line is kinda gone with it. Good riddance anyway, there is not sexual tension there. Even if I did order condoms from him once. Anyway, I was thinking aliens. And hippies! I'll totally be the hippie, I really should embrace them more often, don't you think? It doesn't matter because I think I should, at least for the purpose of entertainment. Are there any cars around here someone could push around while I ride in it? I could do a car chase! Or wait! Can I borrow one of the horses? I was a cowboy once, you know! It'll be hippie cowboy aliens versus... THE RUSSIANS! Played by England. You're down for that, right? Of course you are. And then we team up against even worse aliens and save the world and learn that our differences make us beautiful The End.

I NEED ACTORS!

I know exactly who can play the lead lady! Juno? Hey, Juno? Junoooooooo?

...Actually, I haven't seen her in a while. I thought she was staying over at someone else's house during the whole Hitchcock business, but she's not back yet. Juno?

It's a pandemic! A catastrophe! A goddamn plague!

AND IT'S ALL RUSSIA'S FAULT.

( cut for pictures; is it sad that this constitutes as feigning for sanity )

( video; private; how am I channeling more manson than zodiac here )

I CAN SEE AGAIN!

I got a new pair of glasses, anyway. It's like Santa came early this year! Except I'm sure Santa would give me much more awesome presents than just glasses and ammo because I deserve it. Unless of course you count my newest super-ability. Brace yourselves, Discedo, because I'm about to blow the doors right off your reality...

I can commune with the beasts.

I'M LIKE DR. DOOLITTLE BUT EVEN COOLER. BEHOLD!

( ICly cut as: 'A Walk With America: A Study of Discedo Wildlife And Maybe Killing Shit.' )

Anyway. I've got a bunch of stuff because both God and Santa love me! And now that I have ammo again...

WHO'S UP FOR SHOOTING LESSONS? I KNOW NAMINE ISSSSSS!

Yeah, this isn't creepy at all. S-so!

[America clears his throat so that his voice shakes a little less.]

My drill is finally over--and I gotta say, I performed spectacularly, especially with my boredom and busted face!--but alas, a hero's work is never done. I've been recruited by the fine men and women of the police force to work at the stables. Given my cowboy experience, natural charity to the less fortunate, and the fact that my own Banjo lives there, I was the obvious choice to save the day! Man, you guys are all so lucky to have me. A Hero who is willing to push past all my hardships, wander through this creepy polluted fog-haze-whatever just to help society, so--

[The device clatters to the ground and you can hear a loud "oof!" from America. A button is hit. We are now in video mode.]

[VIDEOOOOOO]

[Oh wait, the device landed on its back. Have a nice shot of the foggy sky (or as much sky as you can see) for a good while. America groans in pain in the background.]

Fucking balls. Hope I didn't just re-break my ribs. If Discedo had an economy, I would sue him for putting me through this shit. If he's going to be such a needy apocalyptic asshole, the least he could do is not render me completely human with this technology microchip bullshit, goddamn have some code of ethics, Discedo, you bastard-- I'm okay everyone! No need to worry! Your wonderful nation is perfectly fine! I've only tripped over something! Seriously, if someone could fix my glasses any time soon, that would be awesome.

[America's hand blurs the screen as he makes a grab for the communicator. After some shaking, the screen turns toward his face. His nose is crudely taped up and he's dirty (as always), but other than looking annoyed, he looks okay. Oh, and he's not wearing Texas. That's kinda a contributing factor for this.]

It's not so bad to not see in prison camp training, but walking around in this fog is a whole different issue. It's not bad enough that I caught lice in that stupid cell and could have typhus, no, I have to walk through this stupid fog and keep hearing things and can't even see well enough to shoot at whatever it is. This is starting to be a serious strain on my courageous integrity! It's like the fog is playing mind games on me! And just to top it all off, I have hurt my already battered body even further by tripping over... what the fuck did I even--?!

[America props himself up on his elbows to glance over his shoulder. The screen catches glimpse of what it is:

His feet are tangled in the intestines of a skinned wolf.]

Jesus--!

[End transmission]

Not really sure why everyone's freaking out. It's just a drill you guys, sheesh. You think they'd throw me in jail? Everyone knows you can't throw an entire country in a cell unless you're occupying them or something! I didn't even get a lawyer or trial or anything like that. C'mon, give the police a little credit! They're not that retarded.

It's pretty swell of Leon to set me up with this training! I don't know why Russia's here, but he's one of my people and could use a few shocks to the brain, so I won't try to figure out his reasoning. Poor guy. So nice, patriotic, good heart, but I think he's got a few screws loose, you know? Almost like Gilligan without the nice hat.

So far I'm being treated pretty nicely. Not at all like a real POW, but I guess they just want to test my psychological strength by holding me captive. Fear not, my good law men (and women)! YOU CAN'T BREAK THE AMERICAN SPIRIT! IT'S LIKE AN UNBREAKABLE MUSTANG, WILD AND FREE AND AVAILABLE IN ALL SORTS OF COLORS WITH A V8 ENGINE! I CAN WAIT FOREVER, YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME!

[He pauses for about two minutes before finally letting out a cry of frustration.]

THIS IS ENDLESS!

Sorry for being so out-of-touch, everyone! I see that a lot of you have been asking just what happened.

You might want to take a seat, because the tale you are about to hear is so far-out, it'll take your breath away.

( A STORY OF AMERICAN HEROISM the second )


So now that you know the story: Anyone here good at repair glasses or have any drugs for me? I don't care if they make the pain go away or make me so out of it I can't process reality anymore.

Aaaaand Russia, if you haven't moved: This isn't the last of it. I will time travel my way to kicking your ass all the way back to the 1800's. No one help him until he gets out.

Poland? Baltic bros? Lie? ...I'm tryin'. I really am. Gimme a little time and I'll be back on me feet, I swear.

[text]

So. My leg's healed. I'm not limping anymore. All bets are off. Canada's gonna have to manage himself for two seconds, because this is just the last straw.

Russia, you have ten minutes to get out of my embassy before I come after you with a Mossberg and my entrenching tool.

Latvia, Lie, Estonia, all of 'em are fine to stay. You gotta be gone or I swear I will show you what happens when you mess with the greatest country in the world. I am not in a good mood this week, so I'm not putting up with this crap. Been looking for Rosalyn all over but...

[voice; english]

ISAAACCC, MIRIAAAAAA! WE NEED TO SAVE THE APARTMENTS FROM COMMUNISM'S EVIL CLUTCHES! ARE YOU UP TO THE CHALLENGE?!

Without Ros, you guys are the only ones I know brimming with enough heroism and American spirit to get the job done! And you can dress as cowboys! In fact, if anyone sees a guy in a scarf with a pipe running around the Marshall American Embassy? Shoot him. This is just crossing the line, Russia. I thought we made an agreement in 1962. Don't come near me. I sure as hell didn't move in on Latimir--I barely went near it until I went to save innocent people after the earthquake!--so you've got no good reason for barging in Marshall. I already told you that you can't live here.

In short: NIXON IS IN OFFICE AND MY GIRLFRIEND'S MISSING, SO FUCK YOUR SHIT. FLAKE OFF, COMMIE.

...

And, uh. If anyone does see Rosalyn... lemme know, okay?

--HY IS THIS THING NOT ON YET I HAVE BIG NEWS-- oh wait it is.

...

Wait, what was the news again? I know it was something important. Something to do with what I've been doing all week... I've been doing laundry, making snow angels, staying at the hospital with someone important to me, writing my name in the ash with--

[Thankfully, he's cut off by a pained groan.]

Quiet, Canada, important countries are talking. Anyway.

...OH WAIT, THAT'S IT.

CANADA'S AWAKE!

[Dear god you can HEAR the blinking in his voice. It sounds like a level of obnoxiousness only Americans can achieve.]

S-see, polar bear? I told you he'd wake up! I knew it! He's--! ...Uh, his name's Canada. Yes. I'm sure. I'm his brother, I kinda gotta know these things.

CANADA, YOU GIANT HUNK OF TUNDRA, YOU'RE BACK! Now, I know this is gonna sound weird, but you've been out a week. Of course, everything went fine without you and basically no one noticed you were gone, but that's not a big surprise at this point.

[Canada can be heard mumbling weakly in the background, but his words are unintelligible. Luckily, America is loud enough for the both of them.]

...Zamboni? You where hit by a fucking Zamboni machine?! WHICH PRICK HIT YOU WITH THAT?!

[Remembering that, oh wait, he's recording, America finally addresses his comm.]

Reports on red ash and natural disasters and shit like that later. I've gotta punch some irresponsible driver with the National Traffic and Motor Vehicle Safety Act. Have you ever been punched by the law? Let me tell you, it isn't pleasant.

Is everyone out? Hope so, because I'm sick of having walls fall on me. Okay, before I go off to collapse and sleep a couple days:

My embassy (the Marshall Street apartments) still has a lot of room for any homeless who haven't found a place to stay. My own apartment is open as well to anyone who needs shelter. I'd like some builders... or, really, anyone who knows construction, to take a look at Marshall and Horton to make sure our foundation won't crumble if we're hit by bad after shocks. Just to make sure no other buildings are going to collapse while we work on Latimir.

Canada is doing supply runs. If anyone needs anything especially important, speak to him about it. Canada, I'll come with you on your next one. If I'm passed out on my sofa, wake me up. I promise I won't stash a gun under my pillow, so you don't have to worry about surprising me!

Juno... if you're well enough to see this, let me know you're doing alright. Or tell the voice in my head to tell me you're doing alright. Whichever's easiest.

...

AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEONE GET THESE MONSTROSITIES OUT OF MY SIGHT!

[video]

[There's only the briefest glance at America--who's looking a bit dirtier and more banged-up than usual from all the digging he's been doing--before the camera scans over his apartment. The flashlight he's using shines and...

There is Leninade everywhere. The camera stays fixed on the red bottles while America speaks.]

SHIT LIKE THIS IS WHY YOU'RE STILL HOMELESS, RUSSIA. How the hell did you even get in my apartment anyway?! Where did you get this?

[After a long pause, there's a sigh.]

I'm sure as hell not touching it but it's... drinkable, right? Looks like I've got some relief for whoever's low on water.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

That's right, Independence Day. The day I became my own country, the day 56 men signed for my freedom, the day the world first knew the meaning of the word "awesome". Today, my dear Discedo citizens, is the greatest day of the year.

PARTY AT MARSHALL STREET 202. I don't have balloons or anything but I shot a couple monsters the other day and I made burgers! They're not all cow, but if you've ever eaten rattlesnake, you can eat the ones that aren't. Don't worry about presents, I'll get some when I get back home. But if you've got them, I'd really, really like presents. Demyx, if you've got your crazy guitar thing, bring it along. Fourth of July just isn't the same without live music!

WE NEED SOME FREAKING FIREWORKS. Or something akin to that. WHOEVER'S GOT THE POWER TO MAKE EXPLOSIONS IN THE SKY, MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Oh, and Canada: I've got your present, but I couldn't remember which day your birthday is. I know it's around mine though, so I'll show you after the party.

[ooc: Tags will come later since I have work, but this post needed to be made. Anyone who wants to head over to America's apartment will find the place decked out in as much red, white, and blue as you can imagine (all of which is basically made from shitty scrap material and random objects he found around the city--think Wall-E's bunker and that's the kind of "decorations" he has). Also, some burgers will taste really good, others will... well, it'll basically taste like pure grease because that's the best part of it.]

[Video]

[America turns the camera on in his bedroom--he's still in his pajamas (read: a t-shirt and a pair of Spiderman boxers) because who the fuck needs to get dressed at 7PM? He smiles and waves at the camera.]

Happy Father's Day, Discedo--and Fortuna, or whatever countries on this world are still left out there. Anyway! ENGLAND. ENGLAAAAANNNDDDDDDDDDDDDD. Made you something!

[He holds up a white mug. The handle's cracked and it just generally looks like it's seen better days. On the side is a poorly drawn Union Jack; it looks like it's been colored in with pens (or at least halfway--there's more blue than red). There's a more precisely drawn sword behind the flag.]

Found this in the same shop I put Banjo! But uh, more on him later. You know, since you raised me and all... yeah! Isn't it awesome?! I don't really remember what your flag looks like, but I remembered it was blue and red and has some X's on it! I figured that's it's close enough. Look! I even added a sword to it! You know, to make it a little cooler.

[The camera shakes. America frowns and starts chewing on his lip.]

Okaaayyy, I'm done with the camera now, go back to text c'mooo--

[Voice]

--that's not working. I know I pressed the right button wait WHY IS THE SCREEN DOING THAT. NO, I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT OTHER PEOPLE'S POSTS RIGHT NOW I'M TRYING TO MAKE MY OWN! Oh my god stop blinking! Fuck this thing fuck this thing fuck this thi--

[Text]

FINALLY. God, I think I got a faulty transistor in my device doo-hickey.

Alright, so, Father's Day aside, I've got a couple things to figure out:

Banjo the Mad Cow: He's... better. He kinda still tries to kill me. But anyway! I was told to talk to someone named Sorata or something about stables? He keeps wrecking up the store I put him in.

...On that tangent, what the hell do ghost cows eat?

MY BIRTHDAY IS JULY 4TH DON'T FORGET, IT'S PROBABLY THE MOST IMPORTANT DATE THIS YEAR

I want my chip out for it. Anyone wanna help with that? You would be doing a favor for freedom and capitalism by doing so.

Speaking of which, wonder how my troops are over in Vietnam now... or if the riots are settling down. Or if Manson's been put away yet, or if the Beatles are making another album. Or if anyone stole my Volkswagen. Oh god. I left the keys under the dashboard at Berkeley. DAMN IT. Okay, okay, worst that can happen is that I'll get back and there'll be some bowls and tye-dye shirts left in the back. Worst comes to worst, I'm sure President Nixon'll get me a Ford. He seems like a pretty reasonable guy.

I had an important rant on communism, but I forgot it now that I'm worrying about my van. Another day, I guess.

[The video clicks on to a very shaky camera. America's tongue is sticking out of the corner of his mouth as he fiddles with adjusting the communicator juuuuust right. He succeeds! He leans back, hands on his hips (in a very heroic fashion, mind you), clutching a rope and dressed in nothing but his pants and a T-shirt. He shoots the camera the biggest, most nauseatingly handsome shit-eating grin you've ever seen.]

There! Got it. Alright, ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness something awesome. A true trademark of the American spirit--! Oh shit it's moving, okay guys, bear with me hereI'llberightbackTHISISGONNABESOKICKASS!

[Aaaaaand he bolts away from the camera. For the longest time, there's nothing to see but an empty expanse of dirt, rubble, and distant trees.

...Still nothing. Anyone still watching?

Stiiiiiiillll nothing-- oh, wait. Is that the sound of hoofbeats and loud yelling? Why, I believe it is! And it's getting closer. The sounds get louder and louder until...]

( shut up I made an effort to illustrate this )

WELCOME TO AMERICA

By the way, newcomers, there's a draft in place. Unless you have a deferment, you may be called upon to act as a patriot for your (past, present, or new) country: me. Just a heads up!

You know. It's an awfully irresponsible thing to tell me you love me and then go off and die, Rosalyn. I guess I should be used to this by now, but I thought you were different. I thought--

[He has to pause to swallow the lump in his throat. He's trying pretty damn hard to keep his voice steady right now.]

Damn it. Not even two years after Bobby and Martin Luther King Jr.

...

Well. Glad Italy's still okay. You keep safe, you hear me? Or I'll beat your face in.

S-seriously, if any of you others are thinking about dying, DON'T. I mean it! I'll make you eat England's food and all sorts of other horrible things!

...So. Guess we keep going. Anyone here a Ghostbuster?

AHHHHHHHHHHHGHOSTSWHYGHOSTSTHEY'REEVERYWHERE

SAVE ME.

[America's sobbing, screaming, and firing randomly. He's also hiding under his covers at the moment.]

Getawaygetawaygetaway.

WHY GHOSTS. OF ALL THE THINGS, WHY GHOSTS?!

ENGLAND, CANADA, JAPAN, ROSALYN, NAMINE, ANYONEEEEEE SAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

[He screams shrilly; a few rounds of what sound like a machine gun go off]

IT'S CRAWLING OUT OF THE GODDAMN TOILET AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

[Everything goes suddenly quiet. Then he whispers, muffled from being under his covers.]

Save meeeeeeeeee.


[ooc: Will tag tomorrow morning, just had to make the post!]

HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS MY SHADOW!

It's. So. BEAUTIFUL!

The tides of war may be rough, the challenges will be immense, and that Evil King guy has one hell of a punch, but now I officially have the most amazing shadow in history! Oh, but I bet you're wondering: "America, just how did your shadow suddenly turn into Old Glory?"

Prepare yourselves for a tale of Heroism, Evil Kings, and a major turning point in what can now be called WORLD WAR DISCEDO:

( A story of American heroism )


In conclusion:

I'm one real gone cat.

BEHOLD MY AWESOME.

The war isn't over, but this is a historic event and probably the turning point. We WILL win this! And then Prussia can go to heaven and Discedo will be back on the path to recovery!